Disclaimer – The things I mention in this post are based on personal experience and opinion.
When you have low self-esteem and see yourself as unlikeable, you may find yourself people pleasing in an attempt to make up for your perceived flaws. For instance. Do any of these sound familiar:
- Going out of your way to help people because you don’t want to be a disappointment.
- Swallowing your emotions because you don’t want to be mean.
- Keeping your thoughts and opinions to yourself so you’re not seen as offensive.
You think you’re proving your worth by doing these things. But really, what you’re doing is giving people the grounds to use you and/or be annoyed by you (heard of the Mary Sue trope?). You are also subconsciously reinforcing the idea to yourself that you aren’t good enough as you are.
Additionally, there are some people pleasing behaviors that have the potential to make you come off as socially awkward. Thus, potentially having the opposite effect to you wanting to feel good about yourself and to be liked.
As a person with social anxiety, I found this to be especially true. I struggled with trying to overcompensate for my lack of social skills by striving to be the most helpful and kind person there was. I exhausted myself with all the pretending and doing for others. Most of the time, though, my people pleasing tended to push others away. Rather than make them overcome with the desire to be my friend or boyfriend (🤪).
So I will share 4 people pleasing behaviors from my life that I discovered (the hard way) were socially awkward.
What is Social Awkwardness?
Social awkwardness is when you don’t know how to act in social settings, and it shows. You may find yourself not knowing how to respond when being spoken to. Or find yourself fidgeting or word vomiting from all the nervous energy building inside you. It’s also when your actions go against social norms in such a way that it makes the people around you feel uncomfortable.
Sources:
- Stop Telling Me You Are Socially Awkward – Psychology Today
- What Does It Mean To be Socially Awkward – Psych Central
- Signs You’re Socially Awkward & How to Deal With It – Choosing Therapy
What People Pleasing Behaviors Make You Socially Awkward
1. Filtering Yourself
Have you ever felt like your conversations weren’t as lively as the ones around you? That yours were always ending abruptly and filled with awkward silences? Your brain probably told you it’s because you’re boring with nothing to say. But the real reason your conversations seem drab is because you’ve been filtering all your energy and opinions away.
You’re so worried about not coming off as rude or mean. Or worried if what you’re saying is helpful or not. That you take the time to consider things like your word choice, tone, and facial expressions. This often results in you giving one-word responses, using a monotone voice, and having a blank stare.
How It’s Making You Socially Awkward
You can’t comfortably participate in conversation when you’re focused on filtering. And when you try to guess the right thing to say, the choice you make may be one that’s unexpected. Or that doesn’t fit the vibe of what’s being talked about. That will usually be the cause of the awkward silence that follows.
My Experience: My conversations were much richer when I stopped worrying that I might hurt someone’s feelings. They lasted longer and allowed the other person to get to know me more.
One example of this is when I would refrain from making a joke because I thought it would be insensitive. I noticed that the “filtered” response I chose would end the conversation. But once I started taking a chance and making those jokes. The other person would more often than not end up laughing and building off of what I said!
Ways To Stop Filtering Yourself
- Heal from your negative self-perceptions.
- Give your opinions.
- Ex – watch the news and really think about what your opinion on it is. Remember it and force yourself to say it if it comes up in conversation.
- Send the text that you type and erase.
- Say the thing that pops into your head, even if you think you might mispronounce the words or sound funny.
You may also like:
- 5 Things That Make Holding Conversations Difficult
- God Told Me I Had To Heal First
- Get To The Root Of Social Anxiety (70 Self-Reflective Questions)
2. Being Overly Nice And Polite
This goes back to being worried about how the things you say will affect people. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or be seen as a bad person. So to avoid that happening, you might “please”, “thank you”, and “I’m sorry” people to death.
You want people to know you’re a good person (and not all those negative things your brain tells you, you are). So you bite your tongue when you feel upset. And do everything in your power to be seen as perfectly kind and unproblematic.
How It’s Making You Socially Awkward
Simply, you aren’t being authentic (and sometimes people can tell).
Just like with filtering. You choose responses that fit the “nice girl” persona, but it only takes away from your personality. It also may make you feel even more out of place in social settings because you’re striving to be something you aren’t.
Not saying that you can’t be a genuinely super nice and polite person. But nobody is at 100% all of the time.
Ways To Stop Being Overly Nice And Polite
- When texting, stop putting “lol” at the end of every sentence (if you only do it because you don’t want to sound mean).
- Use your regular voice (not the fake cheerful, high-pitched one).
- Don’t always default to giving advice or encouragement.
- Ex – someone makes a self-deprecating joke. Instead of saying, “Oh no, don’t say that about yourself 😔”. Laugh with them or jokingly agree with them.
- Don’t over apologize.
- Don’t use overly formal language (especially with people you’re familiar with).
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3. Making Yourself Small
If you have social anxiety, you would probably much rather fade into the background than be front and center for all to see. You may even find yourself sitting quietly, sometimes not even allowing yourself to sneeze or cough, because you don’t want to be noticed.
Hiding away like that turns into a people pleasing behavior when your reason for doing it becomes not wanting to disturb anyone. Or to cause them grief in any way.
For example: You don’t want to be a nuisance, so you keep pressing questions to yourself (even if it means almost peeing yourself because you don’t want to ask where the bathroom is).
If you find yourself in situations where you overthink your actions to the point of literally doing nothing. Then that’s a clue that you need to stop making yourself small.
My Experiences:
- A few years ago, this guy I was seeing told me how he and his friends left the girlfriend of one of his friends alone in the house. When they came back, she was still sitting in the exact same spot she was in when they left. He and his friends found it weird that it appeared she hadn’t moved an inch.
- My first night in my dorm as a freshman, I was scared senseless. I didn’t want to be a bother to my roommate who was lying in bed. So when I came back from taking a shower, I stumbled around in the dark, trying to get my stuff together. She let out a huge sigh before jumping up and smacking on the lights. Me trying NOT to annoy her ended up annoying her anyway.
- I went to a guy’s house for the first time. He told me to go in and wait for him, and that’s exactly what I did. I stood in the dark living room, afraid to turn on the lights because I didn’t want him to think I was snooping around. When he came in, he hit the light switch while saying, “You’re so weird. You’re just standing in the dark”.
- Just earlier that day, as we were walking through a crowded mall. I kept stopping and looking back. Waiting for him to catch up because on one hand, I was embarrassed that he was possibly staring at my big back (LOL). And on the other I was feeling like it was rude to let him fall behind in the crowd.
- After about the 3rd time of me stopping and going, he bumped past me while saying. “Why do you keep stopping? You’re weird.”
I tell all of these stories because they taught me a valuable lesson (and also inspired this post):
DO WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT AND TAKE UP SPACE!!
Stop worrying about how you’re going to come off and just do it! These people are not as worried about you as you are about yourself. Your thoughts on how someone will perceive you are just projections of how you see yourself. You may be thinking you’re going to mess up somebody’s day or mood with your actions. But the fact of the matter is that you aren’t that important! (I say that with love).
How It’s Making You Socially Awkward
Tech N9ne said it best: “People perceive you to be lethal when you aint see through like tissue.”
People are afraid of the unknown. When you aren’t as loud and “seen” as they are. Their minds race with all sorts of things that you could be up to. Or of what you may be thinking about them. I know we’ve all heard people say they think quiet people are sneaky.
I am by no means saying you need to change who you are and be transparent just to ease people’s minds (absolutely not 😒). I’m just pointing out this unfortunate fact about humans.
People can also sense when you feel uncomfortable and out of place, and those feelings rub off on them.
Ways To Stop Making Yourself Small
- The next time you go to a new person’s house. Make yourself comfortable. (sit down and turn on the lights LOL).
- When you’re waiting for your order at a fast food place, stand next to the other people who are waiting instead of off to the side or in the back (if you do that to stay out of people’s way).
- Let out your sneeze, cough, hiccup, etc.
- Greet people when you walk into a room.
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4. Doing Things Out Of Obligation
Guilt can be an overwhelming feeling when you’re a people pleaser. It lingers after you say no or even after you accidentally let the door close on somebody. But I promise, the more you pull away from doing things JUST to please others. That guilt will slowly turn into relief and even giddiness.
Also, when someone does something for you, you do not owe them (unless it was like a loan or something 🤔). Don’t feel like you have to jump at their every beck and call in order to “pay” them back.
My Experience: In college, my roommate always brought me along to hang out with her friends. During times when I saw them out while I was by myself, I thought I had an obligation to sit with them or be around them. Just because my people pleasing mind thought it would be rude if I didn’t. I felt like this until one day, after dragging myself over to sit with them in the dining hall. They literally turned their backs to me and nobody attempted to speak to me the whole time.
It took that exact moment for me to realize that I didn’t have an obligation to sit with them or to even talk to them just because they were friends with my roommate. Or just because there were times when they were cordial to me.
How It’s Making You Socially Awkward
Well, if you’re like me and can’t understand social cues… Doing things out of obligation may have you showing up to places where you’re not truly wanted. Or doing things that nobody expected you to do or even wanted you to do.
Ways To Stop Doing Things Out Of Obligation
- Say no to someone who has done something for you in the past (if you only think you should do it because you owe them).
- Say “hey, what’s up” to someone you know and keep walking (if you truly don’t want to have a conversation with them).
- Say no to an event you don’t want to go to.
Conclusion
Essentially, when your life is governed by people pleasing, you are not being true to yourself. You come off as socially awkward because you’re trying to live your life by other peoples standards. You’re going against the grain of who you are, so of course, you’re going to feel out of place from time to time.
A final note: Your worth does not lie in how well you can please others. You are worthy of respect and friendship on your good days, your bad days, and everything else in-between 💕.
What are some other people pleasing behaviors that you think come off as socially awkward?
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