Okay. Obviously, growing up black isn’t the ONLY reason I developed social anxiety. There’s things like me not being socialized as a kid. Also, me inheriting the quiet gene from my dad’s side. Plus many more things. But I’m leaving those for a later post.
In today’s post though, I’m exploring the ways being a black girl gave me four types of social anxiety.
What Are The 4 Types Of Social Anxiety
This concept was introduced by David A. Moscovitch as a way to classify individuals with social phobia. Those of us with social phobia probably think that our primary concern is how people might react to us in social situations. But in Moscovitch’s paper, What Is the Core Fear in Social Phobia? A New Model to Facilitate Individualized Case Conceptualization and Treatment, he suggests that our primary concern is actually on how we perceive ourselves. And that basically, we’re so focused on these negative perceptions, that we end up fearing the consequences that could happen should our perceived deficiencies get exposed (like getting embarrassed for example). He then places these negative perceptions into categories.
Resulting in the 4 Types Of Social Anxiety listed below:
Depending on which area(s) you believe you have flaws in – that is the root of your social anxiety. It’s why some days you feel less afraid than others (because some days you feel better about yourself). And why you may feel more comfortable talking to certain types of people (someone who’s just as quiet as you vs someone who is super outgoing).
With that being said. Growing up a black girl made me think I had flaws in all four of these areas. Thus contributing to me developing the 4 types of social anxiety. Of course, the former is the backstory of all black women. But all of us didn’t end up with crippling anxiety… So that’s why I mentioned earlier that being black isn’t the ONLY contributing factor for me.
It’s also why I’m going to split this post into two sections: Societal and Personal Experiences.
Societal
We all know the stereotypes about black women. So I’ll just name one “flaw” that society has put on us since the beginning of time.
- Social skills and behaviors – the way we speak and pronounce words not being seen as “professional” or “bubbly” enough.
- Anxiety symptoms – if we walk around unsmiling or looking stressed people are likely to label us as mean or intimidating.
- Appearance – generally being seen as ugly and the least desirable when compared to other races of women.
- Personality/character – being labeled as angry.
I was being told by society that I had flaws in these areas just for being a black girl. A core part of my identity. Unfortunately, I believed it all because I had no one in my life to tell me any different.
How It Contributed To My Social Anxiety
- It gave me low self-esteem 🤷🏾♀️.
- I assumed everyone thought those negative things about me. So it played a part in me being afraid to talk people.
Personal Experiences
Now that we’ve established how my self-esteem was lowered by society. I’m going to share a few moments/experiences that cemented these perceived flaws in my mind and further lowered my self-esteem.
1. Perceived Flaws In Social Skills And Behaviors
Being Called “White Girl”.
Being made to feel like you aren’t black enough is a classic example for all suburban black people. My word choice, the way my voice got high-pitched when I was excited, and the way I pronounced my words – all invoked laughter from my family members and their friends.
I was constantly laughed at and made to feel different for the way I NATURALLY spoke… Always getting mocked and looked at with raised eyebrows just for “being”.
I would mull over what could be so wrong with me. Each comment about my voice and actions caused me to retreat further into my shell out of shame.
I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was about the way I spoke and the things I said, so my brain told me it was just ME all together. That I was just unlikeable and someone to be laughed at.
***Side Note – it’s so interesting how people can go through the same things but be impacted so differently. There are plenty of black people who have had this same experience, but they turned out just fine and “normal”. But for me, it destroyed my entire sense of self. Ugh lol.
How It Contributed To My Social Anxiety
- I became uncomfortable in my own skin/uncomfortable being me.
- I became avoidant. Not wanting to talk at all.
- I forced myself not to like or pursue certain things because I was afraid it would reinforce me not being “black enough”.
- I was afraid to express my interests to anybody.
2. Perceived Flaws In Controlling And Concealing Anxiety Symptoms
Not Feeling Like A Strong Black Woman.
My anxiety symptoms vary from situation to situation. Some disappear and pop back up randomly just like my man does (jk I don’t have a man 🥲).
For this section, I’m just going to focus on my voice shaking and losing my words mid-sentence.
In times when I would have to stand up for myself, my voice would shake and I’d lose my words. It again made me feel like I wasn’t black enough because I was always told how strong black women were. And how we weren’t to be messed with. Yet, when it came time for me to BE strong, my anxiety would cause my voice to falter.
How It Contributed To My Social Anxiety
- I stopped standing up for myself out of fear that my shaking voice/losing words would make me look weak “for a black girl”.
You May Also Like:
- Mindsets That Make You Afraid To Stand Up For Yourself
- Confessing My Social Anxiety To Small Group (remember how I said some of my symptoms disappear, then pop back up? Well losing my words mid-sentence happened to me again after yearrsss of not having that symptom)
3. Perceived Flaws In Appearance
Hearing that I was ugly.
In my senior year, I listened to this black guy and his white friend talk about how much they HATED black women (with me sitting next to them). They would say how ugly we were and what race of women they’d rather be with.
Then in another class, that same white friend, with another white guy, a Hispanic girl, and a Middle Eastern girl would sit in the back of the class talking trash about black girls (I mention their race/ethnicity because it’s SAD how four people with different cultural backgrounds bonded over their mutual hate for black women 🫤).
Every. Single. Day. It was 45 minutes of listening to comments like:
“Black girls are the ugliest girls on earth“, “I would never watch a porno with a black girl in it“, “Black girls are so loud, they’re always in the hallway screaming“. The list goes on and on. Who would have thought that hate could be expressed through so many different sentences smh.
My already low self-esteem was made lower because I was hearing them “confirm” everything I already thought about myself – that I was undesirable, unlikeable, and ugly.
What hurt the most though, was that I didn’t have the confidence or strength to speak up to them… Just one of the reasons why I freaking hate social anxiety.
How It Contributed To My Social Anxiety
- Whenever I spoke to someone, I automatically assumed they were thinking about how ugly I was. It caused me to keep my eyes downcast so I wouldn’t see them seeing my face and possibly catch them grimacing at my hideousness (lol).
You May Also Like:
- How To Accept The Way You Look
- How To Love The Way You Look
- Having Social Anxiety Doesn’t Make You A Freak
4. Perceived Flaws In Personality And Character
Not Being An “Average” Black Girl
“Studies have shown that highly socially anxious and phobic individuals perceive that their self attributes fall short of the characteristics they believe others expect them to possess” (Moscovith, 2009)
This is exactly what being called a “white girl” did to me. I felt like I wasn’t black enough and that my personality had to match those of my family members, classmates, or black people on TV. It felt like I wasn’t hype enough, trendy enough, strong enough, whatever.
I also felt like it was expected of me to NEVER let anyone say anything slick to me. Or to be the voice of all black people if I was the only black person around.
Going back to my high school experience. One day, this black girl came to visit her friend (who just so happened to be the Hispanic girl from earlier). The girl told her how “the other” classmates were hating on black girls and the black girl looked at me and was like “And she just sits there?! She doesn’t say anything?!” She then spoke up to the other classmates about everything they had been saying.
It was already weighing on me every day that I was just sitting by as they talked about me like I wasn’t even there. But I was filled with even more shame when the girl spoke up the way I wished I could have. The way I felt I SHOULD have.
Back then, I thought me not speaking up fell back on me not being black enough. When in reality it fell back on me being too afraid.
How It Contributed To My Social Anxiety
- I became even more passive and started pretending not to feel anything. Because I thought if I got mad then the “black” thing to do would be to cuss somebody out or speak up in some way.
You May Also Like:
What I’ve Learned
After writing this post, I see now that most of my social anxiety actually came from perceived flaws in my BLACKNESS. I didn’t realize that the way my family was responding to me was slowly killing my identity. I forreal went through most of my life not knowing who I was or how to act because I didn’t want to be seen as “wrong” anymore.
Thank God, that over time I’ve learned to accept the way that I say things and the things I’m interested in. Unfortunately, I still struggle with social anxiety. But now it’s mainly the “perceived flaws in social skills/behaviors” and “perceived flaws in personality/character”. Both of which come from me feeling like I’m boring (and from the remnants of not knowing who I am).
If you made it this far, let me know by leaving a comment! I’ve never made a post this long before 😶
Reference list for the 4 Types Of Social Anxiety (great reads!):
Leave a Reply