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Recently, I spent 13 – 14 hours talking on the phone with a guy I met online. Our conversation was split between two days and much of that time was spent with him doing most of the talking and with many awkward silences in between. From this experience, I learned SO much about myself, my communication abilities, and the overall (lack of) effort I’ve put into having a social life throughout the years.
The Things I Learned Have Nothing To Do With Social Anxiety
They won’t require me (or you) to overcome social anxiety just to become better at holding a conversation. Provided you do some of the 5 things I’m going to talk about, they will only require you to make a few tweaks to your lifestyle and general mentality. Easy enough, right 🥴?
(If you enjoy self-reflecting, try out a Peace Of Mind Journal. Its a journal full of prompts and tips to calm and identify sources of anxiety! This is the one I use.)
5 Things That Make Holding A Conversation Difficult
1. NOT TRYING
“Wait, so you’ve been there for 15 years and you don’t have a single friend?” He laughed.
When those words left his mouth, my heart swelled with shame. While I was fully aware that I had no friends and that I had been living in my town for 15 years – I’d never connected those two facts and realized how crazy it was that I hadn’t made a friend yet.
My whole life in my town flashed before my eyes: middle school, high school, college, church, and a few jobs, all in this same area for 15 long years. Yet, I couldn’t account for any lasting or close connections.
What This Looks Like For Me
I always just blamed social anxiety for my lack of friends. Telling myself that nobody could get to know me because I was so dreadfully quiet. But when I looked closer, I realized:
- I avoided social activities like a plague for over half of these 15 years
- I intentionally pushed away the friends I had from before I moved to a new town
- I never sought out things to do
- I’ve been waiting for God to magic someone into my life or to magic away my struggle with social anxiety
- The people I did talk to or briefly hang out with, were all people who spoke to me first
Why This Makes It Hard To Hold A Conversation
If you weren’t able to develop social skills in childhood, avoiding social situations doesn’t leave much room for practice. And if you’re like me, you may not be as approachable as others. So the opportunity to be social may be far and few in between if you’re not the one choosing to strike up a conversation first.
Not trying also ties into number 2 on this list, so keep reading!
Ideas On How To Improve This
- Speak to people first. Even if it’s just to give a compliment or to ask a question.
- Do things to increase your chances of meeting someone (join something, comment on posts/videos you like, go more places, etc).
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2. NOT EDUCATING YOURSELF ON POPULAR TOPICS/JUST NOT DOING ANYTHING AT ALL
“Um… I’ve never heard of that before,” I said for the fourth time.
My face got hot every time the guy mentioned something I had no idea about. Whether it was a song, a common experience, or a certain event – the conversation would always lull because I said I didn’t know anything about it.
This brought up many many (many) memories of conversations I’ve had with people where I’ve always had to shrug my shoulders because I wasn’t aware of something. It never bothered me before because I always considered myself as someone who was not into the mainstream.
But for some reason, this time around I was acutely aware of how much not educating myself on the world was hindering my conversations… Maybe it was the guy’s growingly aggravated voice as he tried his best to carry our conversation.
What This Looks Like For Me
I was figuratively living under a rock because the depression of always being alone made me not care about what was going on around me. I never paid much attention to anything or wanted to leave the house which left me void of opinions and hobbies in which I could talk about. Here are a few examples:
- Never watching the news
- Purposely avoiding mainstream entertainment
- Never paying attention in class or meetings at work
- Being too embarrassed to pursue some interests as a child so now I can’t join in on the nostalgia of many things
- In my post, 4 Ways Growing Up Black Gave Me Social Anxiety, I touch on how I was made to feel like I wasn’t “black enough” which was a reason why I didn’t pursue some interests (like listening to rock music which is honestly so silly now that I’m an adult lol).
Why This Makes It Hard To Hold A Conversation
The less you do, the less you have to talk about 🤷🏾♀️. You’re basically pulling from an empty well. You have no source material to even have a fighting chance to keep a conversation going. You don’t know what to say because you don’t have anything to say.
Ideas On How To Improve This
- Explore town
- Watch the news most days
- Research topics that you’ve drawn a blank on before in conversations
- When you don’t know something, Google it so you can get some background knowledge and add it to your list of things to talk about
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3. NOT PAYING ATTENTION
“What do you think about that?" He asked.
“Um... actually, can you say that again? I kinda zoned out, sorry,” I said.
We had been talking into the wee hours of the night and I was getting tired and distracted. I was swiping on my phone as he talked on and on about something or another. I heard his voice slipping further away as my mind turned toward my usual thoughts of wishing I had friends and wishing I was desirable to men. When he asked my opinion on something, I stumbled over my words before admitting to him that I wasn’t paying attention.
What This Looks Like For Me
- Completely zoning out when anyone is talking to me
- Thinking about myself (what I will say next, how my voice will sound, what I will have for dinner, etc)
Why This Makes It Hard To Hold A Conversation
A big part of communication is having ACTIVE listening skills. How can you respond to something you didn’t hear? How can you provide input when you don’t really know what is being talked about?
Ideas On How To Improve This
- Pay attention to the person speaking
- Try to remember facts about the person and attempt to work them into a later conversation (“oh, you said you liked the House of Dragon, right? Did you get a chance to watch the second season yet?”)
4. NOT CARING
“Blah, blah, blahblah, bl…” He talked on.
Years of isolation has sadly made me a very selfish and apathetic person. While I can have compassion on most people’s problems, I am all too often consumed with my ownself to really want to understand what the other person is saying.
So while I want friends, it’s very hard to form connections when I don’t care to actually get to know the other person. I really just want them to be friends with me for MY benefit. But I don’t always think about how I could be a good friend for THEM.
What This Looks Like For Me
- Not asking further questions because I don’t care what’s going on in that person’s life
- Not finishing my sentences because I get so exasperated with my social anxiety that I just give up midsentence (also because I lose my thought lol).
- My disinterest probably shows on my face and in my body language
Why This Makes It Hard To Hold A Conversation
Like I mentioned, disinterest could possibly show on your face and in your body lanaguage. On top of you being quiet because of the anxiety coursing through your veins, if someone feels like you don’t want to talk to them, then they will find a way out of the conversation.
Additionally, when you don’t care, you naturally won’t make much of an effort to continue the conversation yourself.
Ideas On How To Improve This
- Try to stop being self-centered
- Go into the conversation thinking you want to learn more about the other person
- Ask meaningful questions
*Note – I got step 2 from the YouTube video – How to NOT BE AWKWARD in Conversations! by Emily Wilson. It’s a great video that I watched a few years ago. It taught me to ask more questions, which made my conversations a lot longer than they used to be.
5. LACKING CONFIDENCE IN EVERYTHING YOU SAY
“You want to buy an expensive jeep, but do you even know what happens after you buy it?" He asked, annoyed.
"Uhh… I think so," I said softly.
I sat quietly on the couch as I listened to him mansplain car depreciation to me. I felt so angry with myself for making it seem like I didn’t know what happens after you drive a new car off the lot. But even after all the research I did before buying my first car, I still lacked confidence in my own knowledge. Out of the fear of saying the wrong answer and sounding dumb, I made myself sound dumb anyway.
This isn’t new for me. I almost never give an answer when faced with a “knowledge check”. Sometimes even feeding into condescending tones and questions, just so I don’t have to deal with the possibility of being wrong. I second guess my every move, from the decisions I make at work to the word choices I make. And it is mentally exhausting to say the least.
What This Looks Like For Me
- Overexplaining myself
- Quadruple checking my spelling and the meanings of words before sending a text or writing an email
- Saying “I don’t know” even when I do know
- Going into a panic when I have to do simple math
- Avoiding certain words because I don’t think I’ll pronounce it right
Why This Makes It Hard To Hold A Conversation
It’s hard to hold a conversation when you’re intentionally holding back what you want to say. At that point, you’re choosing not to say anything which will naturally end a conversation.
Ideas On How To Improve This
- Stop double-checking most definitions of words
- Stop double-checking most of your spelling
- Say the answer anyway
- Practice the things you don’t think you’re good at
- Research the things you don’t think you’re knowledgeable in
FINAL THOUGHTS
Holding a conversation is of course naturally hard for someone with social anxiety. But luckily, the things I’ve pointed out in this post aren’t directly caused by social anxiety. Most of these things only require quick fixes and then you’ll be able to keep your conversations going longer (no need to overcome social anxiety altogether).
Hopefully, pointing these things out will be as helpful to you as it was for me. Have a great week!
What else do you think hinders your ability to hold a conversation?
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