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First A Little Background History
Since 2022, God had been telling me to get into community to help my social anxiety. He led me to a small group and up until 2023 I had been avoiding attending because of fear and previous embarrassment. The first time I went I got triggered and felt like I was back in high school (a nightmare). The second time I inadvertently poured my heart out to them about my lifelong struggle with social anxiety. Read about those two experiences here.
Making The Decision To Go To Game Night
I was faced with 3 choices when the Pastor sent me a text saying he needed to know who was coming and to tell him what I was bringing:
- Say I wasn’t going and let my social anxiety win again.
- Don’t say anything (then possibly show up unannounced) which would have been incredibly rude.
- Say I was going and actually HAVE to show up. (I’m more scared of “disappointing” people than I am looking like a fool in front of them).
If I truly wanted to overcome social anxiety, I knew what I had to do…With my hands shaking, I sent him my response:
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List Of My Worries And How God Provided For Each Of Them:
1. The GPS Directions
The GPS didn’t have accurate results of the address the Pastor provided. It looked like it ended in the middle of the road in a neighborhood that didn’t match the pictures on Google. The last thing I wanted was to “look stupid” and have to call the Pastor for help getting there.
How God provided:
- My mom’s friend happened to know the general location and could verify that the GPS was leading me in the right direction.
- While the GPS did stop me in the middle of the road in the wrong neighborhood – the moment I went back to the main street my eyes went straight to the street name I needed. It was forreal like my eyes zoomed in and all I could see was the sign.
- At first I couldn’t find the house number and was this close 🤏🏾 to going back home. But just like with the street sign – my eyes zoomed in on the house number.
2. Where I Was Going To Park
I’m ALWAYS worried about parking. I dread the day when there’s no parks left and I have to “get creative” about where to put my car. Don’t even get me started on if I have to parallel park. I’d just turn around and go home in both of those scenarios.
How God provided:
- There were THREE parking areas for me to choose from. All right by his house and each with an abundance of parking spaces.
3. If I Was At The Right House
My overthinking was making me feel like even though I saw the house number I would still end up at the wrong door. Then I’d have to explain why I was lurking around knocking on peoples doors in the middle of the night lol.
How God provided:
- The front door was open. Literally. They had the door cracked as a way of letting people know to come right in.
- I was still scared to walk in so I rang the door bell. Someone I recognized came to greet me so it was further assurance I was at the right place.
4. If Anyone One Would Speak To Me
Everyone was super friendly and spoke when I walked in. The people who I hadn’t met yet introduced themselves. I sat at a table by myself while everyone else stood around the kitchen island and some sat at a different table talking. I was afraid thinking I would have to force myself into a conversation or sit staring at my phone the whole night (like normal).
How God provided:
- The Pastors wife made conversation with me.
- Two girls say down at the table with me and spoke.
- The Pastor sat in front of me and talked to me while dinner was going on.
5. Washing My Hands In The Bathroom
I was terrified of using their bathroom. Because that meant I would have to get up from the safety of the back corner of the room. Then walk through all the people just to get to it. I was already shaking. I didn’t think my legs would be able to carry me that far across the room. When it was time for dinner, everyone started lining up at the bathroom to wash hands. The thought of standing in line and making small talk made me want to throw up.
How God provided:
- The Pastor’s wife said we could wash our hands in the kitchen sink OR the bathroom. Thank God, I was right by the kitchen sink.
6. Doing The Math For A Game
One of the girls at my table decided we should play a game that involved math. The WORST thing for my social anxiety was freaking math!!! The game was called Rummikub and actually ended up being really fun. But when the girl first brought it up, my thoughts were: God knows exactly how my brain works and how hard it was for me to even come tonight. Then he just allows a game like this to be played??!! I already suck at math, but paired with my social anxiety, I can barely add 1+1 (it equals window, right?).
Rules: Basically you have to get a set (three or four tiles of the same number) or a run (three or more tiles of consecutive numbers) that equal at least 30 before you can start getting rid of your tiles. The set has to be different colors and the run has to be the same color. If you can’t make a set or run you have to pick up a tile each turn until you can throw out.
I wanted to cry because my panicked mind would not let me add the numbers up fast enough before my turn. Each turn I picked up random tiles, pretending I couldn’t throw out, just to buy time to figure out the math. I can count yall… just not in front of other people LOL.
How God provided:
- I had two 10’s so all I needed was another 10. Before my turn came I prayed –“Please God, let the next number I pick up be a 10.”… When it was my turn the first number I picked up was a 10! Not only that, but it was a different color which was needed for the set to work. I didn’t even consider that cuz I didn’t understand the rules yet. But God knew what I needed!
7. How I Was Going To Survive The Next Game
The same girl suggested we join the game that everyone else was playing because they seemed like they were having more fun. I wanted to say no, because there were guys over there (when social anxiety makes you act 12 😭) and more people in general. But explaining why I didn’t want to seemed more embarrassing than actually joining them.
The game was called Game of Things. One person reads a question and everyone has to write a funny (or serious) response and everyone goes around trying to guess who wrote what. I was worried about reading out loud and if I’d mispronounce words or not know how to read it period. I also felt like I wouldn’t be able to come up with any answers at all. Then, I didn’t know anyone’s name so I didn’t know how I was going to make any guesses.
How God provided:
- My social anxiety didn’t make me temporally illiterate. I was able to read everything I had to lol.
- I thought of an answer every time – even when I couldn’t. One question was “Things you didn’t think through.” Because I forreal couldn’t think of anything I wrote: “My answer to this question.” A couple people laughed and said it was great answer and that they should have wrote that (before even knowing I was the one who wrote it!).
- Everyone just looked directly at the person when asking if they wrote a response. So I realized that’s all I had to do too. I didn’t need to call anyone by name.
8. None Of My Responses Being “Cool” Or “Funny” Enough
The familiar feeling of not being good enough washed over me when I realized we had to come up with our own answers. All I could think was how unfunny and unwitty my answers would be. How I’d probably spell something wrong and nobody would understand what I was trying to say.
How God provided:
- One round I somehow got every single guess right. Everybody was so hype lol.
- People got my SpongeBob reference. I contemplated writing it because I was worried nobody would get it. But I took a leap of faith! Nobody laughed though LOL.
- I wasn’t the only one giving serious answers.
- I didn’t misspell anything, but other people did. It made me feel normal.
- The simple fact that this game was played at all is a way God provided. Because nobody knew who wrote what – I got to see GENIUNE reactions to my answers. Seeing how people would laugh or say they liked my answer was like God showing me that I wasn’t so different, weird, or boring after all!
9. How I Was Going To Leave
It was past 8pm (the time it was supposed to end) and even though – dare I say – I was having fun. I still was ready to go and really had to use the bathroom. I was still too uncomfortable to use theirs. Plus, I was nervous about having to read out loud again so I wanted to dip out before it was my turn again. Each round I kept getting ready to make my announcement, but would end up getting caught off by loud laughs from the game.
How God provided:
- When I decided it was now or never, the moment I opened my mouth one of the girls was like, “Well I’m about to leave.” Then immediately after another girl was like, “me too”. In unison everyone started to get up to leave. I didn’t have to be the first one AND I got to stay till the end.
Conclusion
So those are the 9 ways God provided for me. Though I was afraid, God was with me and I lived to tell you about it! While reading my bible a few days after the game night. I came across Luke 12 and it inspired me to give you 7 reasons why God will always provide you. But first a question:
Can you recall a time when God Provided for you in the midst of anxiety?
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