How To Accept The Way You Look

It’s easy to want to look like someone else when you have all these beauty standards being pushed on you. Especially when your shyness or social anxiety prevents you from showing your personality. You begin to feel like you have nothing going for you. Like you need to be prettier so that you can have the hope of attracting someone.

That was my mindset for years. I also believed that once I got skinner or learned how to do my makeup, then my social anxiety and loneliness would instantly melt away. (Ironically I recently found out that perceived flaws in your physical appearance IS a type of social anxiety 😬. I talk about that and the other 3 types in my post, 4 Ways Growing Up Black Gave Me Social Anxiety.)

I was convinced that there was no beauty to be found in me at all. That the only way I could be beautiful is if I looked like somebody else. But as I got older, I started online dating and observing the people around me who had friends and relationships. I realized that the whole time there was literally nothing wrong with how I looked. That the people who said, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” were RIGHT. It helped me to accept and love the way I looked.

This is still a journey that I’m on. But I have started a series sharing how I learned to love my appearance so far. The post you’re reading now is Part 1 and deals with your mindset to prep you for the rest of the series. The other posts are in the table below ^-^.

Crash Course – Learning To Love Your Appearance

Change Your Mindset

1. Figure Out Why You Don’t Like How You Look

You were not born thinking you were ugly.

You were either told that by someone directly. Or someone treated you in a way that made you feel that way. In my post, God Told Me I Had To Heal First, I talk about how my cousin helped me come to terms with the truth of where my negative self-perceptions came from. She put all my insecurities into perspective, with just a simple question: Who told you that?

So, before you do anything else on this list. Here’s what you need to do:

• Write down all the reasons why you don’t like how you look (ex. you think your nose is too big)
• Then write down everything from your past/present that contributed to that thought (ex. someone drew you with a big nose when you were 9)

I guarantee the reason why you don’t like the way you look has something to do with other people. Don’t overlook anything that you think is too small or happened too long ago. Its often the subtle rejections and jokes that hit us the hardest.

2. Accept The Fact That There Is Nothing Wrong With Your Appearance

I don’t care how many people called you ugly (I actually do care and will help you key their car later 😠).

I don’t care if you never get the girl or guy. Please just trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you look.

You were made perfectly in God’s image. The same God who created the skies above, the beautiful landscapes, and cute cats, created you too! All from the same imagination! You are his workmanship. He pieced you together with care and breathed HIS breath into your lungs. One thing that fills me with encouragement is that God never stopped working on something until he saw that it was good (read Genesis 1). After he created man and woman. He looked on all that he made, saw that it was VERY good, then he stopped creating and rested on the seventh day (Genesis 1: 27 – 31 & Genesis 2:2).

The fact that you are living and breathing right now, means that God looked at you, was pleased with his work, and then said that you were good. He marked you as complete and gave you HIS seal of approval before sending you to be born. He made no mistakes in the features that he gave you.

Scriptures For Encouragement In Your Appearance:

• Psalm 139: 13 -14
• Genesis 1:27
• 1 Samuel 16:7
• 1 Peter 3: 3-4

3. Stop Thinking Everyone Has To Find You Attractive

“You can be the juiciest, plumpest peach in the peach field and there will still be somebody who doesn’t like peaches”

The sad truth is that there will be people who think you’re ugly 🤷🏾‍♀️.When you weigh your attractiveness on how many lookbacks you get or how many people slide in your DMs. You’re always going to feel down on your appearance. No one person will ever be seen as beautiful to everybody.

Just because someone doesn’t think you’re attractive, it doesn’t mean you lose beauty points. It just means that you aren’t perfect and that’s okay! By learning how to accept the way you look, you won’t have to depend on the validation of others. Because at the end of the day, it’s YOUR face that’s looking back in the mirror. It’s up to YOU to love it or not.

Stop Basing Your Attractiveness On These Things:

• Your relationship status
• What people have called you or said about your appearance
• If your crush likes you back or not
• If you have men/women falling head over heals for you or not
• If men approach you or if women accept your advances

Relearn What It Means To Be Attractive

1. You Don’t Have To Look A Certain Way To Be Attractive

Beauty is subjective.

Sure some people are fortunate enough that the majority sees them as attractive. But it doesn’t take away from those of us who don’t have that same experience. Let me explain:

Being overweight with a stomach. I thought I had to have big hips and a small waist in order for someone to like me. I could never stick to a diet plan or workout routine. So I figured I had to just hang up the idea of ever being seen as pretty by my peers.

In my online dating days though, I met all different types of guys who saw me differently. Some thought I was flat out ugly. Some thought I was cute enough just to sleep with. While others thought I was the most gorgeous girl on earth and they couldn’t stop telling me they thought so!

My point is that there are people out there who will like you in the exact body you are in now. You don’t have to change anything about your appearance in order to be attractive. You already are!

Activity To See That Beauty Is Subjective:

• Write down what physical features you believe you need in order to get a boyfriend/girlfriend
• Observe the couples you come across
• Make a mental note of how many of those couples have the physical features that you wrote down
  • Notice how normal they look and how they don’t all meet the beauty standards you put on yourself (yet they were still able to find someone who liked them)

2. Beauty Can Be Broken Into Different Categories

No one category is more or less beautiful than the other. It’s all just based on each individuals type.

By category, I mean the combination of physical attributes, demeanor, and style that a person has. Those 3 things contribute to your overall vibe and will determine if you’re somebody’s type or not. It’s the reason why a person can say they like blondes but they won’t be attracted to every blonde they see. Or the reason why someone says they like bad boys but won’t like all bad boys.

This is of course just a generalization. But when I started thinking like this, it helped me to make peace with my appearance. I realized that your level of attractiveness doesn’t actually depend on what features you have. It depends on whether or not you’re someone’s type. That was a much easier pill for me to swallow than the thought that I was just ugly period lol.

What helped me come to this conclusion? I noticed that the men I dated had a pattern of dating women who looked like me:

• Black
• Glasses
• Overweight
• Plain
• Wears minimal to no makeup

Even if those women didn’t wear glasses or weren’t black. Most of us had similar facial structures. I would praise the skinny women who were always dressed up and had full faces of makeup. But those men wouldn’t be impressed by them. Because it was MY features that they were attracted to. Not theirs.

It didn’t mean that they thought those women were ugly. It just meant that they liked their women with glasses, chubby cheeks, and thick thighs😤. Sometimes that preference even showed in the type of celebrities and cartoon characters they liked.

How To Figure Out What “Category” You’re In:

• Look at your partners dating history. Note any similarities
• Write down your physical attributes (nose shape, body type, freckles)
• Write down your demeanor (smiley, resting face, fidgety)
• Write down your style (spiritual/witchy, alternative, plain)

Review Of The Steps We Went Over:

What are some ways you’ve learned to accept the way you look? Share in the comments below!