I didn’t realize I was being sheltered by my parents until I got to college. Up until then, my life revolved around them and I had little to no experience in life.
I noticed that I was the odd one out when I would be the only one shocked at the things my peers talked about. While they saw it as normal to go places without adult supervision. I found it new and scary. While they shared stories of spending the night at a guys house and running the streets with friends. I found it appalling that they were out there acting like they were grown! (LOL).
After years of coddling, shielding, and sheltering. I was not only left totally clueless about what went on in the world around me. But I also didn’t have an ounce of social skills. Which brings me to my topic of the day: how being sheltered gave me social anxiety 🥴.
I’ve been exploring things from my childhood that most likely led to me developing social anxiety. Check out my other posts on this topic below:
The Effects Of Being Sheltered By Parents
A child with overprotective parents, will likely turn out 1 of 2 ways: A risk taker or a big ball of fear.
I of course turned out to be the big ball of fear so I cant speak on being a risk taker. But here are a few points about the fear that comes from being sheltered as a child. See if you can relate to any of them:
- You took on all of your parents fears; resulting in you having anxiety that you can’t really pinpoint the source of.
- You can’t understand why certain situations/people are so scary
- Your parents didn’t let you experience/do things on your own which left you feeling like an incompetent adult (shout out to my therapist for pointing this out 😆)
- You feel a toxic amount of shame and guilt for doing things that are normal
- Its because, in some way or another, your parents told you those things were bad
- You find it extra hard to handle real life situations and minor inconveniences
- You feel WAY younger than you are because of your lack of experiences
In an article by the parental control app, Safes, they write “. . . an overprotected child becomes fearful of the world and avoids any situation the child has been shown could be dangerous.”
Needless to say. If you were sheltered, your parents did you a huge disservice in terms of social development and mental health. They meant well and didn’t want to see you get hurt. But unfortunately, it likely left you having to relearn life as an adult.
Related:
- Get To The Root Of Social Anxiety (70+ Self-Reflective Questions) – Mine
- 6 Signs You’ve Fully Been Sheltered from the Outside World- Challenges to Expect – BarbaraFosu.com
Ways I Was Being Sheltered By My Parents And How It Led To Social Anxiety
My findings are based on the idea that social anxiety comes from having perceived flaws in yourself (Read an overview of the 4 types of social anxiety here).
1. Making Decisions For Me
The times when I made decisions for myself, I was told in so many words that they weren’t good enough. Then I would be presented with a “better” option. If I happened to say no, I would be whipped (figuratively lol) into submission. Which only destroyed my confidence in myself more.
This carried on into my early 20s. When even after I landed a job after college, I was pressured into quitting so I could take another one and move in with relatives. There was no discussion to be had. I was just told to pack my bags because I would be leaving the following weekend.
How It Gave Me Social Anxiety (Perceived Flaws In Character)
- I didn’t trust myself to be able to make good decisions without guidance. Which deepen my feelings of incompetency
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2. Speaking For Me
Whenever I vented to my mom about something that upset me. Or if she saw me being excluded by cousins or mistreated by friends. She would immediately jump in and take up for me.
In situations where I was asked a direct question – my mom would answer for me before I could say anything.
How It Gave Me Social Anxiety (Perceived Flaws In Social Skills)
- I felt unable to speak up up for myself
- I felt like a loser whose mom was always coming to the rescue. It made me overly cautious in the things I did and said, so I could avoid causing people to mistreat me
- It also made me embarrassed to be quiet. Because sometimes I didn’t feel like socializing. But once my mom saw me alone, she would make a big deal of it and “stand up” for me
3. Overprotecting Me
I have 4 older brothers and no sisters. Being the youngest and only girl meant that all of my parents protection was focused on me.
I saw my older brothers doing a lot of things that I was never allowed to do. To name a few, I wasn’t allowed to go trick or treating, have friends over, or stay the night at certain relatives’ houses. If my parents weren’t going to be there, that meant it was off limits for me.
How It Gave Me Social Anxiety (Perceived Flaws In Social Skills/Behaviors And Personality/Character)
- I lost the ability to connect with my cousins because they were basically depicted as being too “grown” for me. I began to feel like I couldn’t hang because I was too much of a child
- I started to decline invitations to hang out with my friends outside of school because hanging out with them felt scary and too much like being an “adult”
4. Shielding Me From Real Life
There was a lot going on in the world, that I had no idea about. There were very little things that my parents exposed me to which is why I mentioned earlier, that I was shocked at the things my peers were out there doing. To name a few things I was shielded from:
- I wasn’t allowed to hear conversations where f-bombs were being dropped or sex being talked about. This carried on into early adulthood. If I happened to be present in such a conversation. It always resulted in a, “Hey!! Daijah is here!” It didn’t matter if I was the youngest in the room or not
- When I turned 18/19, I found out my dad had be throwing away my mail that had credit cards in them. I never even knew I was receiving them. Nor was I talked to about finances and why credit cards could be dangerous
- Whenever I asked a serious question about life, I was given a silly, lighthearted response
How It Gave Me Social Anxiety (Perceived Flaws In Personality/Character And Concealing Anxiety Symptoms)
- The things I’m interested in and like to talk about are not super typical for people my age. I connect more with people much older than me. Which makes me feel like the odd one out around my peers
- I don’t reallyyy curse. Being an adult who is like that, again makes me feel like the odd one out
- For the longest time (still dealing with the remnants of it), I even felt an intense amount of shame when people would curse or talk about certain topics around me. My cheeks would instantly get hot and I would struggle not to squirm in my seat from the discomfort. I knew that talking like that was completely normal, but it was embarrassing to BE embarrassed about it
5. Not Being Socialized Enough
My parents were already hiding me away at home. But while I was there I wasn’t being fully socialized.
Besides my parents being too tired from work to talk to me. My brothers also didn’t have much time to spend with me. They were much (much) older and were mostly busy with sports, friends, and girls.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t like I was totally abandoned. We played video games, played outside, and watched movies together. But being that we were so far apart in age and always in different stages of our lives. There was nothing really for us to deeply connect on or talk about. Not to mention there’s just some things boys don’t want to talk about to their little sister and vice versa.
Paired with our upbringing of not being raised as emotionally open or expressive people. I wasn’t receiving the kind of interaction that probably would have taught me things like social cues. Without realizing it then. I had to watch as my brothers were all able to form close bonds with each other, our cousins, and their school friends. As I stayed behind in the shadow of my parents protection.
How It Gave Me Social Anxiety (Perceived Flaws In Social Skills/Behaviors)
- Well like I said. Unfortunately I didn’t learn social cues
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Final Thoughts
Writing this now has unlocked a part of me that I didn’t know was deeply wounded. There’s much more on the topic of me being sheltered that I didn’t include. But this has opened my eyes to why I feel so much shame to literally just be a person.
I feel so sad for my younger self. Because I was always yelled at and made to feel lazy and weird for not leaving the house or doing anything without my parents. When from an early age I was being kept from the world for fears that weren’t mine. Only to later be criticized for not being able to succeed socially or do things on my own. Once I figure out how to heal my inner child, I’ll make a post about it lol.
What effect did being sheltered have on your social life?
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