I Never Got Out Of The House Because I Made Excuses
I spent my entire life in the house because I didn’t have friends to go anywhere with. Even when I did meet people who tried to include me I’d just say no because I was afraid of having to talk to them the whole time. Then, I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 24 and I lived in a rural area with no public transportation so I couldn’t go anywhere.
I was trapped in an endless cycle of excuses and fear. For years it didn’t bother me because that was my comfort zone. There was no pressure to be outgoing or fun. No worries about feeling like everyone was staring at me. I was unhappy living that way, but I accepted it because at least I didn’t have to go through embarrassing myself.
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Then I Developed The Desire To Do Something
In my junior year of college, I met a bunch of girls who tolerated me hanging out with them. At the time I thought that they were kind of cool with me and maybe even liked me. Later on, though, I realized they only let me be around them because they were friends with my roommate. My roommate would always bring me with her and her friends pretty much just dealt with it.
That was the first time I had ever seen a young adult friendship because the last time I even had a friend was when I was 13. The difference in my friendship from middle school was obviously extremely different from the one I was seeing in college. It made me painfully aware of how little I had experienced in life because I was always in the house. They were doing things that were normal for women in their 20s, but I had literally never been exposed to anything, and hearing all of the things they were doing made me feel like a child.
Every time I would hear them talk about what they did, I would have thoughts like: “Wow! They actually go places without their parents?! They really spent the night at a guy’s dorm? Alone??!
They had had boyfriends. I hadn’t. They had been on dates. I had never been on one. They had gone to parties, went to each other’s houses during school breaks, had so many stories of the things they got into, the list goes on. I would sit in the dining hall with them, listening to all the good times they had. Even if I wasn’t too scared to speak I wouldn’t have been able to join in on the conversation because I couldn’t relate to anything they were talking about. It made me desperate to get some stories of my own.
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Then I Took Baby Steps But Fell Back Into Old Habits
I started doing online dating just so I could have some stories to tell of my own. I wanted to experience going on a date and going to new places. It kind of backfired though because I ended up just meeting guys who took me to their house instead. But I did get some stories out of it lol.
I also started to say yes to more invitations to go out. Cue the college parties, paint nights, kickbacks, and game nights! I was getting the experiences I wanted even though I spent every last one of those events (besides paint nights) on my phone, never looking up to speak to anyone. I continued to say yes even though I felt like I embarrassed myself every time. Even kept going when some of the girls would make snide comments toward me. It hurt but I was getting out of the house.
When I graduated college I no longer had that group of girls to go out with.
I also stopped meeting guys from dating apps, in person, because I was embarrassed about my parents knowing I was dating. It was back to seclusion. Even though I wanted more experiences I was also relieved to have my comfort back. No more awkward silences and weird looks from my peers. I was complacent in my isolation again.
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I Got Bored TO DEATH
Finally in 2022, when God began giving me the desire to put effort into overcoming social anxiety (see that story here), I started to get bored…I mean sure I had been bored before, but this time I felt bored to the point of EXHAUSTION. I didn’t even have anything to think about anymore because I had literally nothing going on besides work.
My house started to feel like a prison. It was like I was in solitary confinement just staring at the same blank walls. Time didn’t feel real to me anymore and it felt like I was floating in space. I was in dread of even waking up every day to do NOTHING again. It made me angry that my fear was always holding me down and I NEEDED to get out of the house!
I Just Went And Let My Fear Come With Me
So when I got my first car in 2022, I decided I was going to find some stuff to do and just freaking go. No more excuses. No more waiting or letting my fear and negative self-talk win. I was getting out of that house, scared and all.
The very first thing I did was get a gym membership.
I ended up getting talked into getting a personal trainer because I felt too awkward to say no for the third time. But it helped me to get out of the house 3 times a week… I would have lost some weight too but I couldn’t stop eating lol.
Then I went to the movies by myself.
Ignoring the voice in my head telling me everyone would think I was weird and laugh at me. I started going to the movies by myself. Nobody even gave me a second look.
I got food from my favorite restaurant, parked my car in a Walmart parking lot, and ate while watching YouTube videos.
I honestly still haven’t got to the point of actually eating inside by myself (soon!). But the peace I felt just sitting in my car, chilling, and eating good food was priceless. There were even other cars parked around me doing the same thing.
I went to the mall and just walked around by myself.
It was difficult because I still felt like everyone was watching my every move. But it was worth it. Now I’m getting out way more than I ever have in my entire life. It’s helped my mental health so much to see things other than my bedroom.
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How To Get Out Of The House
- Stop making excuses
- Develop the desire
- Take baby steps (Do things that don’t necessarily require you to talk like going to the park or the movies)
- Ask yourself “Would I go if I weren’t afraid”. If you would, then go! If you wouldn’t then don’t force yourself.
- Literally just go! Don’t think yourself out of it!
- Pray the entire time (this is my phone screensaver so I can still pray even when my mind is blank from anxiety. It also lets me look like I’m casually using my phone 😏)
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