I had been attending a new church for a few weeks before I went to one of their small group meetings. If you read Part 1 – Community – The Way To Overcome Social Anxiety? – then you would know that small groups was one of the main reasons why I started going to this church in the first place. It took courage to ask someone when the women’s group would be meeting. Going would be hard enough on its own. I wanted to lighten the pressure with a group with no guys and what I figured would be all middle-aged women.
My heart dropped when I got an email saying that the young adults were meeting on Saturday, at 6 pm. All I could think was: YOUNG ADULTS??!! I specifically asked for the women’s group! Now, I’m going to have to be around my peers?!! And men??!! Are they trying to kill me?!
My First Small Group Meeting
Nevertheless, when Saturday came, I swallowed my fear and headed to the church. Regret filled my body the instant I saw all the men and women around my age. I sat in a row by myself, behind the rest of the group. It was only about seven other people there, but it might as well have been a full crowd.
The ice breaker we had to do sent me back to my high school days and it took everything I had not to run out of the church in tears. The awkward silence after every thing I said. The seemingly forced pleasantries as someone tried to break the silence and chime off of me. The way other people could get laughs, but I got blank stares. It was horrifying. On my way out, I nearly collided which someones six year old kid because I was trying to leave so quick. Great. All I need is to knock this kid on the floor, then everyone would hate me.
As soon as I got in my car, I sped off. Vowing to never ever (x10) go back there EVER AGAIN. I kept my word and slept in peace for about 3 or 4 months. I ignored every email and text reminder with a smile on my face. They were never going to see me again.
God Reminded Me That He Told Me To Get Into Community In 2022
In January 2023, when I would attempt to do the Daniel Fast again ( I lasted 7 days lol). I was expecting another move from God like he did for me the previous year (read about it here: 2022 – The Start Of Me Overcoming Social Anxiety). Instead, what I got was the realization of my disobedience.
It started with a personal text from the Pastor, who was the head of the small group. Thankfully, I was out of town so I had the perfect excuse. Then, the next week, when I was watching the 6pm prayer night with Transformation Church. One of the people that were speaking asked a question that sent me into a full week of total unrest:
“What has God told you to do that you haven’t been obedient to yet?”
My mind immediately went to the small group and the text I got from the Pastor. I chuckled to myself, because of course I would think about that. I had been ignoring all of the automated email and text reminders for months. But getting the text from a regular phone number had made me conscious about small group again…. That couldn’t possibly have been what I was being disobedient about… So, I pushed the thoughts aside and continued on in my worship.
God Wouldn’t Let Me Forget This Time
The problem is that it wouldn’t stay gone. For the rest of the night and the rest of the week – small group would not leave my head. I was too scared to even open my mouth and talk to God about it, because I knew what he would say. In short, I told God he was going to have to make the Pastor text me again if he wanted me to go.
Well, on that Saturday, I had just gotten back from a Winter Edible Plant walk (see my experience here). I laid in bed getting ready to take a nap. The looming threat that I would get a text to go to small group kept me from drifting off even though I was exhausted. The moment I turned on my side, my phone buzzed. I knew what it was before even looking. Long and behold, it was a reminder about small group.
Because it wasn’t a personalized one from the Pastor, I made up an excuse that it wasn’t God telling me to go. I specifically asked God to make the Pastor text me. Not the automated text. Five o’clock came and I anxiously worked on my blog while watching the clock. Should I go? Is God telling me to go? Is this something I should do? Two or three times I hopped out of bed to put my shoes on. My brain and my body were disconnected from each other which caused me to literally turn in circles. My body was trying to get ready to go. But my brain was telling me to stay in bed where it was safe.
The Conviction To Go To Small Group Was Overwhelming
Six o’clock came and I figured – well, it’s already started. I’m definitely not going. My mind is made. But as I continued to try and work on my blog I could not feel peace. I keep thinking about how my website was called Anxious But Able. How I was writing hoping to inspire people to push through their fears. Yet, here I was too afraid to go to small group. I couldn’t relax because my insides felt jittery. It was so disgusting. I knew God wasn’t going to let me rest. So I angrily jumped out of bed, threw my jacket and shoes on, and stormed out of the door.
My Second Small Group Meeting
When I got there everyone (all 4 people) turned to look at me. I didn’t crack a smile, just plopped down into an empty chair where they all had a little semi-circle formed. I spewed a bunch of nonsensical responses to the Pastor as he asked me about my trip from the week earlier. For the first part of the conversation I thought we were talking about my drive to the church (face palm).
As if things couldn’t get any worse, someone decided our icebreaker of the night would be one where you make up a two minute story on the spot. The first person starts off the made up story, then the next person continues where they left off, and so on. I was sitting there like: Are you serious, God?! You knew they were going to do this mess and you still dragged me down here?!!
Social Anxiety Whooped My Tail
When my turn came, the timer started, and everyone looked at me. My eyes shifted back and forth as I struggled to think of how to continue the story. It was something about two guys in a mystical forest trying to fight against a big troll. One guy was trying to convince his friend that they could beat it. I have no idea what I was trying to say, but all I could muster was: “Then Jack was trying to convince Bill.. and-and trying to convince… and Bill.. and Bill..” My sentence ended with a sigh as all the breath left my body.
I could not form a single thought or anymore words. It was like someone had hit my shut down button mid-sentence. If I was light skin, my face would have be Clifford the Big Red Dog, red.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I have social anxiety.” I whispered nervously.
I thought everyone would laugh at me. Or make some sort of face. Or at least stifle a laugh and look at each other. But instead I was greeted with warm smiles and friendly faces. They all said it was okay and moved on to the next person. I stared at my feet and twisted my fingers – trying to dull the pain of the embarrassment.
More In Depth Confession Of My Social Anxiety
Once that was over, the Pastor asked us what scripture had we been studying lately. Now, from this point on. While I still felt nervous, I also felt a confidence fueled by pure exhaustion. My social anxiety had embarrassed me for the last time. I was sick of it. I spoke up and said I would start. It was the perfect question, because I just so happened to be studying a scripture that week (Deuteronomy 31:6).
But without even meaning to – I instead started telling them how I struggled with social anxiety my whole life and how hard it’s been. I went on a tangent about my fears and how God told me he was going to deliver me this year (I heard him wrong lol). I choked back tears with each word that came out of my mouth.
One person (the one whose idea it was to play that icebreaker 😭) said they struggled with social anxiety too. That their friends helped break them out of it and a year ago they wouldn’t have been able to play the icebreaker either. I was lowkey jealous because they had friends to help them lol. But I appreciated the sentiment. For the rest of that night, every time it was my turn to speak or share something about scripture. I would somehow turn it back to my social anxiety.
Leaving Humiliated, But With Direction On How To Further Stretch My Social Anxiety
On my way home that night, I felt so stupid for “breaking down” in front of them like that. Feelings of shame washed over me the more I thought about how I kept bringing up my social anxiety. Another vow to never go back to small group formed on my lips. But my heart was telling me that going to those meetings was something that I would have to get use to. Because it was something that was so hard for me, I knew this fear in particular would be something I’d have to fight to push through.
Final Thoughts
I believe God intended for me to confess my fears to small group that night. The way it happened so involuntarily. The fact that I joined small group for the sole reason of getting some intercession for my social anxiety. He led me to go back to small group on the night they chose to play that particular ice breaker. That raw display of my social anxiety literally taking my voice, led to me opening up and confessing my stronghold. I wouldn’t have said a word about it otherwise.
God knows how I struggle with opening up and speaking. So he brought help to me. Just how me breaking down to my cousin led to my journey of healing. I believe me breaking down in front of small group will lead to me overcoming social anxiety. Read part 2 to this post “9 Ways God Provided In The Midst Of Social Anxiety” to see how I was able to survive a game night with the small group 😤.
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