Negative thoughts are inevitable when you have social anxiety. It just makes sense for them to happen when the fear of speaking prevents you from getting the human connection that you need.

I can write a book on all the crazy things I’ve said to myself because of all the isolation and embarrassing moments my own social anxiety has caused. But for this blog post, I will only focus on five:

My Top Five Negative Thoughts

“I’m too old to still have social anxiety. That’s so embarrassing.”
“I’m so weird. There has to be something wrong with me.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“Nobody cares about me. I have no one on my side.”
“I’m so undesirable.”

Though thoughts like these still try to work their way into my mind. God has told me how he sees me. He keeps challenging my negative thoughts by speaking life into me through his word. And by showing me that I am normal during the moments when I beat myself up for being so “different” from everybody else.

Because the things God revealed to me apply to anyone who struggles with social anxiety, I have decided to share them with you.

5 Truths That Will Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

1. You Are Not An Embarrassment

Social anxiety is just another stronghold in life.

If, like me, your social anxiety started in early childhood, there can be times when you feel even more ridiculous for having it than usual. Like when you run into someone from way back in your past and the realization hits that you’re STILL the quiet and awkward person they knew from years ago. It can instantly make you feel like there’s something wrong with you – because why haven’t you grown out of being “shy” yet?

While it sucks to still struggle with the same thing after so many LONG years, I’ve come to make peace with the fact that social anxiety is just another stronghold in my life. And that it does not make me an embarrassment because strongholds are something that everyone faces and most people don’t even notice when they have one.

What Is A Stronghold?

Google defines a stronghold as “a place that has been fortified as to protect it against attack”. While the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a stronghold as “a place of security or survival”.

While these definitions refer to something that gives you physical protection. They can also be applied to things that (seem) to give you spiritual protection as well. These things are often mindsets and behaviors that get so engraved into you that it takes you years to overcome them.

Spiritual strongholds can be obvious like:

Addiction to alcohol or drugs
Financial irresponsibility
Being dishonest

Or they can go unnoticed like:

Unforgiveness
Lust
Being easily irritated

Spiritual strongholds give the appearance that they are protecting us in some way (ex. numbing the pain of our past or preventing any future pain that could be caused to us). But really, the stronghold is just causing us more harm than good. Then eventually it becomes our norm and gets extremely hard to break out of.

So in terms of social anxiety, it seems safer to just stay quiet and not show our true personality, so we can protect ourselves from being laughed at or judged. But really what that is doing is keeping us isolated from people and causing us to miss out on friendships or lose what friends we have.

Though we make false strongholds for ourselves, I want to point out that the LORD is the only TRUE stronghold that will do us NO harm. He is the only one who can and will provide us with the actual protection we seek. I encourage you to read Psalm 94: 16 -22 (ESV).

How Recognizing The Stronghold Helps Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

In 2 Corinthians 12: 7 – 9, Paul talks about being given a thorn, a messenger from Satan, to keep him from becoming conceited. Paul pleaded with God three times for God to take it away from him. But God said to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.“

I mention this scripture not to say that God won’t deliver us from social anxiety. Or to say that social anxiety is for certain a thorn that God has given us. But I mention it to say that we are guaranteed to go through things. Each of us has our own, individual struggles that make life…interesting.

The negative thought that you’re an embarrassment, should no longer carry any weight in your mind. Because social anxiety is only a stronghold that you are continuously working on. Just like how the next person has been trying to be financially responsible for the past 10 years. Or that other person who has been trying to heal their relationship with food for the past 20 (me 😩).

So in the end, having social anxiety does not make you a freak. It just makes you a human dealing with life’s hardships.

2. You Are Not An Anomaly

God created you with intention and purpose.

I don’t know about you. But when I think about living a normal life, I imagine making friends, starting a family, and not feeling socially anxious around your parents and siblings. Basically all of the things that just aren’t a reality for me right now. I’m 28 years old, still struggling with the social anxiety from my youth. I don’t have much of a social or dating life, and I even get socially anxious around my own brothers and parents.

Paired with the fact that I’ve NEVER heard of another socially anxious person who felt afraid around their immediate family. Or who truly had no one that they felt comfortable around – I began to feel like a freak of nature who somehow developed a version of social anxiety that was never meant to materialize. Like this was all just a fluke that happened under God’s radar. And since he never intended for it to happen, he now doesn’t know what to do with me.

Social anxiety (fear) is not from God (2 Timothy 1:7). But like other hardships in life, God allows it for a purpose that is only known to him. I do believe that God wants to deliver us from social anxiety. However, when or how he will do it is unknown to me.

That last statement may contradict the whole purpose of my blog. But I’ve come to realize there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to overcoming social anxiety. However, I believe all of the things I’m learning work together to improve social anxiety overall and that eventually we’ll get to the finish line of this thing 🥳.

Here Are Some Things That Aid In Overcoming Social Anxiety:

Everything That God Created Has A Purpose

The moon lights up the night, the clouds carry the rain that waters the fields, the bees pollinate the flowers to create those fields, and so on. God knew what the earth needed and intentionally created it all. He is a God that numbered the stars and gave them all names (Psalm 147:4). A God who knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7).

Would a God like that not worry about the details of who he created you to be? Would he not intentionally allow the struggle of social anxiety for you because he knew there was purpose in it? Would he be caught by surprise when suddenly you could no longer speak without your heart pounding or mind racing?

Imagine a God who can do everything I mentioned (and MUCH more), not realizing that one of his creations would develop a social phobia. Or not knowing what to do with whatever level of social phobia they developed. That’s crazy, right?

I once heard a Pastor say that our purpose is connected to the thing we struggle with the most. Hence why the devil attacks us in certain areas so hard. So could it be that our voice is somehow connected to our purpose?

Everything That God Does Goes According To Plan

God created the world in six days and since then nothing has failed! The sun still rises and sets as he commanded when he placed it in the sky. The waters are still separated from the land. The fish haven’t left the ocean to walk the earth. And the animals on land haven’t jumped into the sea to live. He hasn’t had to go back to “edit” a thing that he’s done. All of nature still obeys his command.

So, how could he NOT have been intentional and purposeful when he created you? You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). God made no mistakes on you. He knew you would struggle with social anxiety and rest assured that he has a purpose for it.

Song of Encouragement: Intentional – Travis Greene

3. You Are Not Unlikeable

The God of all of creation likes you!

We all hear about how much God loves us. But have you considered that he likes you too? He created you from his own imagination. Carefully deciding on your looks, your personality, and your sense of humor. Everything. I like to imagine God smiling while he was creating me. And even laughing to himself while thinking of the jokes I would make because HE thought they would be funny too (depending on the joke though, right? lol).

One of my favorite truths that God has given me, is that when he created me, he saw me as good (I talk about this in my post How To Accept The Way You Look). When God was creating the world he did not see anything as complete until he first saw it as good. Since you’re sitting here right now, reading this post, that means that God had the same thought about you! You have his stamp of approval!

Every day of your life was recorded in his book before you were born. Every moment was laid out before a single day even passed (Psalms 139:16 NLT).

That means that God knew you would struggle with social anxiety (and for exactly how long). He knew the fears you would have. He knew every moment when you would stumble over your words, cause awkward silences, lose friendships for being too quiet, you name it. EVEN in knowing all that – God STILL sent his son Jesus Christ to die for your sins. He STILL saw you as good and likable enough to die for you and to bring you to completion. If that’s not liking someone (LOVING them – John 15:13) then what is?

4. You Are Not Forgotten

Though people may forsake you, God receives you.

Psalm 27: 10 says, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” Father and mother here can also be replaced with (or used in addition to) brothers, sisters, friends, strangers…people in general.

First I want to give you a couple of definitions of what it means to FORSAKE:

Abandon (someone or something)
Renounce or give up (something valued or pleasant)

As well as some synonyms for FORSAKE:

Leave
Desert
Quit
Discard
Walk away from
Walk out on
Ditch
Ignore
Reject
Forget
Throw away
Give up
Disregard

How many times have you either felt or been through all of these things? Friends abandoned you because you weren’t seen as fun or talkative enough. Classmates stopped talking to you because you were just too quiet to get to know.

Because our social anxiety makes it hard for us to connect with others, people often give up on us because they don’t know what to say to us. They don’t want to wait the 25 years it takes for us to feel comfortable enough to open up to them. And they often leave us out because we don’t “add” to the conversation. They also probably just don’t want to feel the awkwardness that comes from us. All of these reasons may just be some of my own negative thoughts showing, but isn’t this what it felt like?

You Are Valued And Pleasant

An important thing to note from the 2nd definition is that we are valued and pleasant. So to even be forsaken in the first place, means that we have value.

More importantly, God does NONE of these things to us. He recognizes our value because he gave it to us! The Bible says over and over that God will never forsake us (or leave us). Psalm 27 takes it a step further and tells us that God will RECEIVE us.

This BIG God who has command over everything on this earth, who could have created anybody, and who can do everything, receives you! Even though you’re shy and quiet. Even if you don’t have friends. God still receives you. He even gave his Son to die for you.

And you know what? The definition of receive is to be given, presented with, or paid. As well as to suffer, experience, or be subject to (specified treatment). God GAVE you the gift of salvation through his son Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ PAID for your sins by being subject to the experience of suffering and death on the cross. For you! To save you. He proved that he receives you by dying on the cross alone.

5. You Are Not Undesirable

God has the ability to make people see you.

We just talked about being forsaken by people on this earth. But even though we may not easily connect with people, God can make anybody see the value that he’s given us. Just like he is able to give us favor in getting jobs or houses.

God allowing people to see our value is demonstrated in the book of Esther when Queen Esther fasted and prayed for favor in the sight of King Xerxes to save her people. It’s also demonstrated in 1 Samual 18:1 when Jonathan’s soul was knitted to David’s the very first time they met. Which later on when Jonathan’s father, Saul, was seeking to kill David, Jonathan could see David’s worth and loved him, so he went against his own father in order to warn David of Saul’s plans.

God is sovereign. He knows who needs to be in your life and when. He does nothing without purpose. When people leave your life, it’s because they can’t go with you into the next season. When people pass you over, it’s because they aren’t meant to be in your life period. Just the same, when people DO enter into your life, it’s because there is purpose in that relationship.

Rest assured that God can give anybody the eyes to see you and the desire to get to know you more – despite your social anxiety. Don’t fret over lost relationships or relationships that never formed. God has so much better for you.

Quick Activity

Write down a list of all the people who have struck up conversations with you or who have consistently invited you out.
Write down all the friendships you have or have had (no matter how long they lasted).
Write down what you were doing in the moments before these people came up to you. Notice how even though you were socially anxious, they still made conversation with you.
- For example: Maybe you were just standing in a crowd thinking about how afraid you were and then someone randomly came up to you and started speaking.
Remember that if God did it before, he can do it again. And if God hasn’t done it for you yet, it doesn’t mean he can’t.

This activity is to help you recognize that God hasn’t left you totally alone. It also helps you to remember the times that God allowed people to see you. While some of these interactions may have only lasted a few seconds or spanned over a few months. It’s still proof that God sees you and he can make other people see you too. Also that he will allow you to experience human connection during this lifetime.

Final Thoughts

I first wrote this post in January 2024. But 2024 was very hard for me and I was unable to finish writing. Long story short, I moved into my first apartment which left me feeling even more alone than usual. This caused me to fall out of relationship with God because I was sick and tired of him watching me struggle with anxiety for so long, but seemingly not doing a thing about it.

I completely lost hope that he would ever deliver me from this struggle or satisfy my desire to be married. So being that I wasn’t doing much talking to God or learning anything new about overcoming social anxiety, I just couldn’t bring myself to write posts of encouragement or advice when I knew they would all be fake.

But now that God has restored some of my desires and I’ve been getting back on track with him. I felt like I could finish this post without feeling like everything that I was writing was lie. Rereading it has warmed my heart because I totally forgot God even said these things to me. So I hope this has encouraged you, just as it has re-encouraged me!

Comment any advice you have on how to challenge negative thoughts.