Like most teenage girls, I spent my days picking apart my appearance. I remember trying to pluck the tiny hairs from my knuckles. And rubbing lemons on my underarms and knees, hoping it would lighten the dark areas of my skin. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. I blamed all my problems on being ugly and was convinced it was the sole reason why I couldn’t make friends.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I got over the little imperfections in my appearance. I contribute some of that to simply growing up. But mostly as I observed the people around me and went through a period of online dating, I realized how subjective beauty is. It took the pressure off me to look a certain way and I was able to make peace with my looks.

I won’t fake like I’m 100% full of confidence. But now I can call myself pretty (and believe it!) and even giggle at bad photos of myself. Something I could never do when I was younger.

It’s taken me years to learn the things I know now. So I’ve decided to compile all the information into a series of posts. I’m still on this journey so I’ll be adding to this topic as I learn more. All the posts are listed in the table below 🙂.

***Its super important to start with part 1 because it deals with your mindset and relearning what it means to be attractive. It will make all the other action steps easier!

Crash Course – Learning To Love Your Appearance

Okay! Now that you’ve read part 1 and began working on your mindset and relearning what it means to be attractive. Let’s move on to part 2!

1. Ask God To Help You

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you”

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

It took me a while to realize that I could pray to God about literally anything. I thought some of my concerns were too silly or too small. But I now know that if something is hurting me, then it’s hurting God too.

Think of all the negative things you say about yourself. Now imagine overhearing someone you care about saying those same words while standing in front of the mirror. If you overheard that person speaking that way about themself, your heart would probably ache for them. You’d want to tell them how you see them – as loved, beautiful, and worthy. That’s how it is for God.

He doesn’t want to see you down on yourself, unhappy with how he created you. You’re his masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)! He wants you to see what he sees when he looks at you.

Don’t be afraid to invite God into this area of your life. 1 Peter 5: 7 asks us to cast ALL our anxiety on God because he cares for us. Trust him at his word and ask him for help! In my post, How To Survive Your Waiting Season, I go a little more in depth on this verse. Check it out for some encouragement!

What You Can Do:

• Write a simple prayer on a posted note and put it on your mirror
  • Ex. “Lord, please help me to see myself the way that you see me. Help me to love the face and body you gave me. Thank you, in Jesus name. Amen.”
• Every morning as you look in the mirror say that prayer

2. Get Rid Of The Shame In Your Appearance

Stop being afraid to see yourself.

Right now you may feel ashamed to look in the mirror. Embarrassed because you think you’re so ugly that you don’t want to face it. I’ve been there. I would even get angry when people took pictures of me because I didn’t want my perceived ugliness to be captured on film LOL.

But by diving head first into the discomfort I felt when looking at myself. I was able to overcome the shame of how I looked.

Here’s How To Overcome That Shame:

• Sit in front of the mirror and study your face
  • Check out your side profile, 3/4 view, hairline, everything
• Before/after you shower, stand in front of the mirror naked
  • Really look at yourself. I’m talking lifting up your boobs and getting a handheld mirror to look at your chocho (or whatever you call yours lol). Just observe every part of your body.
• Take selfies
  • Make different faces. Take off guard pictures by setting the timer and then doing something random. Take it from different angles (especially the unflattering ones).

It may feel weird and embarrassing to do these things at first. But its essential to getting comfortable with how you look. This is your face and body. You can’t change it (forget about exercise and surgery for a moment). It is what is.

3. Immerse Yourself With People Who Look Like You

The media has forced beauty standards on you since birth. Now tailor the images you have control over so that the people look like YOU.

We can’t all look like Instagram models or the cute girls you see on Pinterest. But that’s what gets popularized and what we’re most likely to see on social media.

Also included in these beauty standards are the people in our personal lives: The old classmate on Facebook that had a glow up. The pretty friend on Snapchat that posts about all her dates and social outings. Comparing yourself to how they look and how their life is going, can cause you to feel like there must be something wrong with YOUR appearance. Like if you could increase your attractiveness or dress like them, then maybe you’d be seen as pretty too.

I won’t suggest that you delete your social media for your mental health (although taking a break definitely helps). But I will suggest unfollowing anyone you find yourself comparing your life and appearance to. Then I will suggest following accounts of people that look like you.

Personally, when I limited the images that depicted my imaginary idea of beauty and instead immersed myself with images of people who looked like me. Only then was I able to start seeing the beauty in my own features. It allowed me to see others loving the same features that I had. And just being real. If those people were in relationships it allowed me to see that there were people out there who could love my features as well.

How To Immerse Yourself With People Who Look Like You:

Social Media

• Unfollow – anyone who makes you feel down on your looks (if its a friend, most platforms let you hide posts without unfriending or unfollowing. Here’s how on Insta)
• Follow – accounts of people who look like you. Use descriptive search terms to find them (particularly on Insta)

Video Games

• Create A Character – Create characters that have features like yours.

Artwork

Character Design – Draw more self portraits and characters with your features.

4. Work On Who You Are Inside

3 “Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

1 peter 3: 3 -4 (ESV)

If you have an ugly spirit its going to undoubtedly show in your physical appearance. The moment I realized this was when I looked at a classmate after she had been talking about her hate for black women for weeks (read that story in 4 Ways Growing Up Black Gave Me Social Anxiety). I use to think she was the prettiest girl in school and was even kind of jealous of her at one point. But after hearing all the hateful things she was saying. The next time I got a good look at her face she looked like a totally different person! She looked ugly.

You’ve probably experienced this after looking at old pictures of an ex who mistreated you. When you first met them, you thought they looked hot, but now you don’t know what you ever saw in them. That’s because the external adornments only work to attract relationships, jobs, pretty privilege, etc. But it won’t be able to mask the ugliness that’s inside for long.

Just like how people can see when we’re feeling anxious and awkward around them. What’s on the inside will always reflect on the outside. Working on who you are inside will not only help you feel better about yourself over all. But the beauty that grows within will exude from you 😊.

How To Work On Your Heart/Spirit:

• Grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ
• Be kind to yourself
• Be kind to people
• Forgive

5. Accept And Agree With Compliments

Break the habit of pushing away compliments because of who it came from or because you don’t think its true.

Take the compliment for what is, smile, and say thank you. Then in your head, AGREE with the compliment! Think things like, “Yeah, I am pretty.” or “They’re so right. This shirt does look good on me”. Even if you don’t believe it right now. Accept and agree anyway.

By doing this, you will be replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones. Then, overtime those compliments will begin to feel like confirmation. Because you’ll already be feeling good about how you look!

6. Find One Thing You Like About Your Appearance

It can be the way a certain shade of nail polish looks against your skin. Or the shape of your lips.

If you’re thinking that there is not even one thing you like about yourself, then stop. Go read part 1, How To Accept The Way You Look, because this is one of the mindset changes I mention. In that post I tell you to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with your appearance. Stop being adamant that there is.

Be willing to pick something out that you like. Break the habit of trashing yourself everyday and be kind to you for once 😤. I know it feels unnatural right now. But I promise it’s okay to like something about yourself.

What To Do After You’ve Found What You Like:

• Write it down
• Write down why you like it
• Admire and compliment yourself on it daily
• Keep adding to your list and repeat

7. Thank God For How You Look

Finally, whenever you like something about your appearance. Tell God!

I’ve recently started doing this and it gives me such a greater appreciation for the features God gave me. It’s like I’m my own hype man and I can feel God smiling in my heart. Proud that I’m loving on myself after years of crying to him to make me look different.

Not only that. Thank him for the functioning of your body. That despite what it looks like. Your body stills carries you where you need to go. Your voice still makes a sound when you need it. Your hands still bring food to your mouth. Thank him!

Examples On How To Do This:

• You think you look cute one day: “God, I love how you made me look. You really did your thing when you created me. Thank you.”
• You like your outfit: “God, I really like this outfit on me. You really gave me the look to rock something like this. Thank you.”

Review Of The Steps We Went Over

I hope these steps will help you like they helped me! Stay tuned for future posts on this topic!

In the comments below, share your own tips on how to love the way you look!