You’re having lunch with a few people you associate with. You’re staring down at your plate, quiet, but ears ringing as the group around you laughs and talks about whatever pops into mind. Their conversation is flowing effortlessly. No lulls. No shaking voices. No blank stares.

They’re so full of personality and there’s a witty comeback every other sentence. No one appears to feel as embarrassed and uncomfortable as you do. You imagine what it would be like to be like them: unencumbered by anxious thoughts of what to say or how it will come out.

Still, you can’t seem to muster up the courage to jump into the conversation. All you’re left with is the disgusting feeling of envy because you’re not as outgoing as them.

Situations like this are all too common for those of us with social anxiety.

When it happens it’s easy to beat yourself up for not being able to express yourself. Or for expressing yourself, then watching as the whole table goes silent on you. You begin to wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Why do your words never come out right? Why can’t you think of anything interesting to say?

Then when social anxiety follows you into adulthood, the feelings of inadequacy seem to worsen. Because now you see how everyone around you is starting families or leveling up in their careers. While you’re still struggling to even look the opposite sex in the eye.

It makes you feel behind in life… Frustrated… A little jealous and definitely embarrassed because you can’t seem to form connections like a normal person.

You May Also Like:

• 5 Things That Make Holding Conversations Difficult
• I Thought God Told Me Who My Husband Was – I Was Wrong

When you see outgoing people prospering in ways you wish you could – you think if you could JUST be outgoing like them, then you’d instantly be more desirable or successful. Or that maybe the thing you’ve been wanting your whole life will finally come to pass.

But if you’re not careful. Feelings like these could lead to a false belief that your value lies in how social you are.

That’s why I’m here to tell you that your value does not depend on your social ability.

You are worthy of good friendships and of love and of all your hopes and dreams. Just as you are now. Shy and all. It took me some time to realize this for myself. So I wanted to share a few points that helped me come to terms with the fact that outgoing people are not better than me.

How To Stop Feeling Inferior To Outgoing People

1. Humanize Outgoing People

Looking at the outward life of an outgoing person, it appears like they live the dream:

• They get dates.
• They seem get married quicker.
• They always have something to do on the weekends (and people to do it with).
• They get compliments on how fun they are.
• Their words come easily to them.
• They have the seemingly supernatural ability to connect with others with little to no effort.
• Every single task of their life doesn’t cause them an unnecessary amount of dread simply because it involves speaking to someone.

Not to mention, the world praises them for their big personalities. While it shames those of us who are introverted and less socially adept. The only way our awkwardness gets appreciated is when it’s portrayed in movie classics like Napoleon Dynamite, Superstar, and The Waterboy.

When we catch glimpses of an outgoing persons life on social media. Paired with the overheard conversations of their “wild” social life. PLUS our own desires to have a similar life experience – we may begin to put a ton of unnecessary value in the level of a persons social skills. Often times valuing those who do better socially as MORE than those who have trouble with it.

But one thing that I’ve realized in the past few years. Is that outgoing people are just that. People.

Contrary to my earlier point, outgoing people do not possess any supernatural abilities. They are not gods floating above us socially anxious people, basking in their social prowess, living better and more perfect lives than us. Just because they can make friends and connections does not make them better.

At the end of the day, they have insecurities just like you do. They have to answer to Jesus on judgement day, just like you do.

They are not worthy to be praised. Their ability to speak without effort is not something that makes them better than you. Sometimes we think that because someone is laughing and goofing off, it means they aren’t feeling embarrassed or aren’t hoping that people will like them. When really, it’s just that some peoples anxiety comes off as talking more or making excessive jokes.

Facts That Will Humanize Outgoing People (And Put Them On The Same Level As You):

• They struggle with thinking if they said the right thing or not.
• They have awkward moments that keep them up at night.
• They get cheated on in relationships.
• Even though they have a lot of friends, those friends aren’t necessarily quality.
• They struggle with their appearance.
• They feel lost in life.
• They want to be loved and seen just as badly as you do.

Stop looking at outgoing people as if they have it all. Or as if you’re inferior to them. Because when you look past their personality, you’ll see that most of them talk a lot but don’t really say anything of TRUE value.

You May Also Like:

• How To Stop Being Bored When You Have No Friends
• How To Love The Way You Look
• How To Accept The Way You Look

2. Humanize Yourself

There is NOT something wrong with you just because you have social anxiety or because you’re quiet. Being able to socialize is not the only thing that makes someone worthy of love. You are so much more than you’re social abilities or inabilities.

The truth is that your fears, nervousness, faux pas, awkwardness, etc, are not exclusive to just you. We ALL have experienced this at one point or another. Even outgoing people. You are not the “bad” kind of weird. You are not odd. Nor are you some alien trying to fit in with the humans around you. Your feelings are valid and you’re doing the best you can. We are all born into strongholds that follow us for most of our lives. Social anxiety just happens to be one of ours.

3. Take Social Skills Out Of The Equation

Personally, I used to only hold people up to a high esteem just because they had an ounce of social skills. In my mind, that automatically made them better, prettier, and more desirable than me. I felt that as long as I was socially anxious, I would be NOTHING compared to them. That I was only as good as the gum under their shoes.

An example of this is when I thought every man that I met online was out of my league. And that I couldn’t hold a candle to any woman that had a bubbly personality. I felt totally unworthy and less than to every person that crossed my path, simply because of my social anxiety.

If you feel like this. Sit down and REALLY think about why you feel you aren’t worthy or good enough for people. Ask yourself what is so different or so bad about you. What, besides good social skills, do they have that you don’t have?

When you stop comparing your social skills to other people. You’ll be surprised how often your feelings of not being good enough will be reversed. You’ll not only realize that you ARE good enough, but that you may even be too good for THEM. Placing so much value into your social skills will have you selling yourself short every time.

You May Also Like:

• How To Stop Living For Others (Social Anxiety)

4. Learn Who You Are Outside Of Social Anxiety / Introversion / Shyness

Like I’ve said before, you are so much more than your social skills. Your value and worth is not in how much you talk. Or how many friends you have.

Even people who ARE outgoing and extroverted can be disliked. I read a blog post once where the author talked about the adverse of being talkative. She mentioned how people saw her personality as “too much”. The rejection and feelings she got from this, were the same feelings that socially anxious people often feel.

The fact of the matter, is that people are going to dislike you and talk about you. They will have something to say no matter who you are or how you act. It just is what it is. That’s why its so important to learn who you are outside of your social anxiety. And stick to it regardless of what anyone has to say.

Ways To Learn Who You Are Outside Of Social Anxiety

• Write down 5 things about your personality that aren’t related to being quiet/shy.
• Start paying attention to how you act when you’re alone (do you make up random songs while doing something? Pretend to get into arguments or fights with an imaginary person? Other weird stuff? 😊)
• Write down some personality traits that you had when you were a child. Consider what changed and what stayed the same and why.

I bet that once you start seeing yourself for who you really are. You’ll realize that all this time your personality was similar to that one outgoing person you “admire”. That the only real difference between you and them is how you act in public.

You May Also Like:

• Get To The Root Of Social Anxiety (70+ Self-Reflective Questions)

Final Thoughts

I hope that as you begin to humanize outgoing people, that you will also learn to bring them down from their pedestal in your mind. Being a listener and observer really shows you how similar we all are. Sure you could say outgoing people have it easier when it comes to having a fulfilling life. But at the end of the day, some things that look good on the outside are actually rotten inside 😷.

Have you ever felt like you were inferior to an outgoing person?